When Ambition Fails To Take Off: Turn To The Greek Gods For Sage Advice

I admit it: I am a loser. No applause please. I graduated from a prestigious university for the sciences( or so I have been told, I still don't believe them-- those academic Mary Poppins who called themselves my professors); I majored in biochemistry and cell biology; and as an undergraduate I worked in a reputable lab where I studied cancer pathways.
Now let's fill in the unsightly details: I went to a prestigious university where 58% of the entering freshman had a GPA of 4.0, the rest had a GPA greater than 4.0. One classmate threw themselves off of the 8th floor of the Biology Department ( very bloody scene, they literally had to "pick up the pieces" and pull down the shutters). One engineering student blew his brains out in the garage of his apartment( by all accounts everybody said he was a cheerful and kind soul). A postdoctoral fellow working in a lab below mine, hung himself and left a note saying that he felt over worked and blamed his PI for being a slave driver( this PI also happened to be my cancer biology professor; very nice Asian woman who looked like Sailor Moon, but believe me, could kick ass like Jet Li; she was one of only two professors on campus who gave a final worth a 100% of your grade. Of course, she did give a pseudo midterm which she didn't grade, but people took just to see if they should drop the class. And yes, the class was considerably roomier the day after the mock midterm. The night before the final I prayed to God, Allah, Buddha, Shiva, and slept with the Torah tucked under my pillow, and I consider myself an atheist. Final: 20 questions each a paragraph long. Time allotted for test: 3 hours. Number of students who left the test before the 3 hour mark: zero. Number of questions Beast knew on the test: zero. Beast's grade: B+ and one sweet ass email from Dr. Suicide saying how much she appreciated me as a student. I guess I survived the premed path, even though I never had and never will have any intention of being a doctor.

I majored in biochemistry and cell biology not because I had an overwhelming need to save the world from bioterrorism or cancer, but because I was encouraged by immigrant parents. Well more like coerced, if tying your child to a cadaver table and lighting a Bunsen burner under their ass can be considered coercion.

"Darling what do you want to do when you grow up?"

"Doctor! Doctor! Doctor!"

"Again, what is it you want to do for a living? Louder, so your father can hear."

"DOCTOR. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD--DOCTOR."

"Honey, its ok, you can turn off the Bunsen burner, and oh, call the doctor. I think Beast is on fire."



They fell in love with the immaculate white coat before they even fell in love with me, their child. They never bought me any toys and one summer my reading list included my mother's old pharmacology book. The book was taller than me by about one inch. I was the reluctant nerd child, playing in the garden with the bamboo plants( yes, bamboo plants because this is California. If I had grown up in Connecticut it probably would have been spruce). I would take the bamboo shoots and snap them in half, then I would pretend that the shoot was a human femur. I would take a piece of clay or string and put the broken piece back together. An aching bunion? No problem, let me get my scissors. A popped knee cap? Hold on while I grab the Elmer's glue. A club foot? Wait while I grab the hammer from the tool shed. Dr. Beast the neighborhood podiatrist. If you were a piece of bamboo then I was your doctor. And oh my, the miracles I could perform!

Ambition having failed me. Or is it the other way around? Having failed ambition, I am now a loser. A nobody. A twidler. A sham. Here I am, stymied, stuck, and mucking around. Whistling. Raging. Crying. Scoffing. Hello everybody, I am a loser.
I don't know where my life is going. Truthfully: I don't even want to find out. And if there is a premise that agrees with me at the present moment it is this one:

King Midas: "What is best in life?"

Silenus: "What is best is not to be born. Second best is to die early."


That's Greek wisdom for you and at the moment it agrees with me. The problem is it agrees with me too much. I don't want to fight it.


by: impeccable beast