Life's A Slow Deadly Drag: So Where Are They Now, Your Collegiate Pals

Class Notes, 2005

Dear alumni, welcome back from your summer vacations. As we look forward to another academic year, let us look back at those who came before us.

Amber Whitney '01
B.A Art History

Amber sends us her best regards. Although, she has yet to find work in her field, Amber is working as a manicurist at Mimi Huang's "Nail, Nails, & More Nails" salon. She has a 3 year old daughter Ibiza, named after the place she was conceived. "That graduation trip was a blast" says Amber. She still doesn't know who her baby daddy is. "I've been passed around like a hor'derve tray, a DNA test is practically useless now".


Keith Oberton '99
M.S Astrophysics

Keith married his college sweet heart Mark Wong (M.S Bioengineering '99).
They moved to San Francisco and started an S&M bar and lounge called: Nooses, Nails, & Tutus."Our wedding was fantabulous, just gorgeous", writes Mark. "We got married at a Ben & Jerry's ice cream convention", adds Keith. According to Mark, they also sell novelty souvenirs at the bar. There hottest selling item: velvet trim genital cuffs.

Desiree "Desire" Jones '94
PH.D Chemical Engineering
M.S Animal Husbandry

Desiree, or "Desire" as she prefers to be called now, is happily married to "Sweet Pea" Marcus Jones. Marcus use to be a senior associate at Morgan Stanley, but quit his lucrative job to start a business with his wife. Desire and Sweet Pea run a respectable Tantric Sex workshop out of their Upper East Side loft. "Our clients are primarily comprised of elite, older, Orthodox Jewish couples," writes Desire.

Robin Randolph York '03
M.S Literature/Creative Fiction,
with a minor in Pseudo-Social Sciences
*Pseudo Social Sciences is a fairly new discipline. A degree in Pseudo-Social Sciences entails a mastery of such disciplines as: flattery, social sophistry, brown nosing, social climbing, as well as cultivating a soft,romantic bedside manner. Most pseudo-social science graduates go on to teach at such prestigious Universities as Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard and the Sorbonne. A body of their life's work usually entails bedding their nubile young pupils and lecturing about such topics as: "Hegel, Rilke, Mann: Sexual Dissonance Among The Third Reich" or "Hedwig The Angry Snitch: Why German Boys Grow Up To Be Sexually Dysfunctional Men & Murderers".

While surfing the Australian coast this summer Robin R. York was eaten by a great white shark. X-rays of the shark's digestive system were taken. The shark and the x-rays are on display at the Tate Museum in London. Robin's last words were, "Gnarly man! I just hit my sweet spot."