May I Take Your Order ?

New York Times Food Review:

Welcome to the grand opening of Le Cirque Celebrite(imagine the e with accent marks because the goal is to sound French, thus increasing the chances of luring a dope who will dish out $25 for an plate full of empty snail shells garnished with a sprig of thyme). Many of you, and by many I mean the New York elite, have eaten at the original Le Cirque restaurant on 425 Madison Ave. This new off-shoot restaurant, Le Cirque Celebrite, boasts equally ornate decor, aloof dining experience, and unpronounceable menu. Due to a ten year waiting list, your dining experience at Le Cirque Celebrite can be greatly enriched by taking Berlioz courses in French. Intermediate proficiency of the French language is sufficient when ordering appetizers, while advanced proficiency is recommend when attempting to order meat and fish courses. At Le Cirque and Le Cirque Celebrite, we continue to serve presidents, royalty, politicians, world leaders, celebrities, and socialites. The Le Cirque Celebrite menu for this month is as follows:

Cote de Boef a la Joan Rivers et ses Pommes de Terres a la Truffe, Sauce Raisin Poivre.
Translation: Joan Rivers is a gamey meat, very tough, and dry on the inside. Much like a rubbery London Broil, extra care must be taken to prepare boef a la Joan Rivers. You should not over cook the meat or it will disintegrate. Began by rubbing Joan Rivers with tenderizer. The tenderizer mix consists of: 4 crushed valium tablets, 1 tsp. cocaine, a pinch of silicon, and half a liter of 100 proof Gray Goose Vodka. Let the meat marinate for two days. While the meat marinates, remember to check it periodically. If the meat starts to lose moisture and consistancy inject with 30cc of Botox. Serve boef a la Joan Rivers with truffle crushed potato, peppercorn raisin sauce, and morphin drip.

Petite Grillade de Homard du Donald Trump, Trio de Beteraves, Pommes Quenelles, Caviar et Creme Acidule

Translate: This is a very expensive crustacean, however the preparation time is greatly reduced by removing the hard, superfluous shell. Suprisingly, preparing homard du Donald Trump is much like preparing an artichoke. Like an artichoke, in which the outer leaves are stripped and discarded leaving behind a flaky and shallow center, the outer shell of the homard is stripped away leaving behind a flimsy hair piece. Having discard the substancial parts: heart, brain, and conscience, keep only the hair piece and serve with baby beets, Fingerling potatoes aciduilated cream, caviar and Slavic trophy wife.


Filet de Sole Pochee a la George W. Bush au Beurre Blanc, Fricasse de Mais, Gnocchi de Pommes de Terres et Ecrevisses

Translation: As with any fish dish, one should take note that the fish is a cherished Christian symbol. A symbol of compassion, understanding, and universal brotherhood. Thus, a direct handling of the fish is discouraged. When preparing filet de sole pochee a la George W. Bush, it is best to work with an assistant, since the dish spoils quickly and emits a fetid odor that stretches across both hemispheres, one must be quick footed and divert any complaints that my arise. If anything should go wrong during the preparation, immediately transfer blame to assistant. This dish is served with 1,000 army tanks, 100 million barrels of crude oil, one pacemaker, thousands of weeping mothers, 5 Saudi princes, white Indio corn, soft potato gnocchi, and pacific shrimp.
*if dish displeases customer feign innocence and find exit strategy


Caille Ratie Farcie a la Angelina Jolie aux Foie Gras et la Figue, Jambon Fume d'Espagne et Epinards

Translation: Whole roasted boneless Quail a la Angelina Jolie is a complex meat that requires much mutilation and blood letting. Roasting in this instance implies charing, or blackening. The quail is then placed in a crypt and allowed to reach full enlightenment. It is then removed and allowed to wander the world, before it is placed back into the pot. For optimal taste, serve with one Cambodian child, a one Ethiopian village, one poorly endowed Hollywood actor, Black Mission Figs, Foie gras, Serrano ham, spinach, and a dollup of Khamer Rouge.



Trio D'Agneau du Colorado, Ratatouille D'Aubergines a la Madonna

Translation: "Colorado Lamb Trio" consisting of a roasted chop, a sauteed loin, and a braised shank is an evolution of favors. Start one part American whore, than move move on to one part British wife and mother, and finish off with two quarts British aristocrat and children's book author. Throw in an affected English accent, delusional British director, one Jewish holy book(the Zohar), trade in a closet full of conical bras for floral print dresses, add a couple of barn yard animals, and one smart horse and you get a nice piece of braised lamb, I mean, bruised lamb.





By: Impeccable Beast